On Mixed Relationships, Campaigners and Non-Campaigners (Or Part I of How to Date a Campaign Boy, if You Must)

Campaignsicles, meet Laura and Adam! Adam is a career organizer and Friend of Campaign Sick (FOCS) who was kind enough to let me stay with him and introduce me to his wonderful wife, Laura, when I was interviewing for jobs. I’d been looking for a non-campaign person to write about what it’s like to be in a long term campaign relationship (most of the campaign couples I know are both in politics) and Laura generously agreed to share her perspective below. Laura and Adam met at DragonCon in college (ask them about the story of how Laura proposed, it’s adorable) and she stuck with him not only through his stint in the Peace Corps but through several candidate and marriage equality campaigns!

After reading Laura’s advice, do yourself a flavor and check out the Briskin-Limehouses' amazing cooking blog, the Kitchen Chemist and the Cook! I can tell you from experience that Adam makes a mean pumpkin pie and that their collective bag of cooking tricks is continuously growing. You could learn a thing or two! Enjoy! Here's Laura:

Mixed-Relationships - Campaigners and Non-Campaigners

So, what’s it like being married to and having dated a political campaigner, when you yourself are not one? Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it’s great. Just like any relationship.

Little bit of background on me: I believe in my partner’s causes, if not as fervently. I’d volunteer/be a politico myself, but down that path leads to ulcers – I care enough to get angry which makes my stomach churn, and thus too much acid. Yeah, ulcers or actually learning to divorce my emotions from getting the work done. But I’m also fairly low energy and really like my sleep, so political activism is not the best career path for me. I like to say that keeping Campaigner fed, in clean clothes, and keeping the house reasonably clean (clean sheets are wonderful to sleep on) is my contribution to the cause(s). My campaigner is my contribution to the movement.

My relationship with a campaigner is really feast or famine, both in time and finances. While on a campaign, he brings in the finances but has little time. Off a campaign, he has a lot of time, but is not bringing in the finances. Part of why this works for us is that he is really good about doing the majority of keeping the household going chore-wise while off campaigns (which I become the primary on while he’s on campaign), as well as being good about hearing ‘I love you and need introvert time’, even while on a campaign and when we haven’t really interacted in 3 days. Meanwhile, I am okay with making sure that introvert time is limited to about 15 really restorative minutes. He’s good about me not coming to every. single. f’ing. fundraiser or networking event and sometimes I suck it up and come to more than I have the energy I think I have for.

Look. Here is how I look at being a campaigner and dating – you’re a niche group in the dating world. You don’t fit some mold of “normality”, “mainstream”, or what dating ‘should' look like. Which, just to be clear, is FINE.

Fuck normativity.

And gender roles. This will screen out people who want you to fit that mold rather than wanting you for yourself. Probably saving you a few bad first dates over your lifetime. It does mean that you will have to look longer and harder for someone you’re compatible with, while having less time to do so.

Here are some things I think are necessary in a partner, especially so between a campaigner and non-campaigner:
1) Independence – neither of you can allow your ‘whole world’ to revolve around each other. There will be periods when you won’t be available because Campaign. There will be periods when they will suddenly be crazy busy with their own thing while you’re not on a campaign. Deal.

2) Flexibility – see the feast or famine thing. You need the ability to make the most out of opportunities, especially unexpected ones. Adhering to a rigid plan doesn’t work when an invite to an awesome event can happen the day of, or you could have an evening together because something got canceled. Who does what around the apartment/house (assuming y’all live together) should change and change again as who has time changes.

3) USE YOUR WORDS! – seriously, if y’all don’t communicate, including about emotions, ambitions, needs, and boundaries, DOOOOOOOOM - fastest way for miscues or expectations of what’s happening to spiral out of control. Eventually, that ends up with y’all in parallel but different relationships. Campaigners are already ‘off script’ of our culture’s dating script and assumptions/expectations bad™.

So, yeah, that’s my perspective on what it’s like married to a campaigner, why it works for us, and hopefully some helpful things to think about/look for in a partner.

Or you know, you could go for casual sex, if that’s your thing. Nothing wrong with safely blowing off some steam doing something fun. Just, you know, be kind, clear, and not an asshole.

Don’t be an asshole should just be a general rule of life. Now, get back to work and make more calls.

Amazing advice! If only "don't be an asshole" were an actual rule. One caveat I did want to add (and maybe this is just me trying to make myself feel better) I think you can prefer your romantic relationships fairly gender normative and be extroverted and still have these work. At least I hope so for my sake!

What I’ve learned from my own romantic misadventures is that communication, having your own life, and having the confidence not to need constant reassurance are all KEY. Big, big thank you to Laura and Adam for sharing their story. You can check out their wonderful cooking blog here.

Campaign Luuuuv and Mine,

Nancy

Advocate from Where You Stand: Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

To wit. Can you believe this just came up when I google imaged Urban Outfitters?

Recently one of my soon to be classmates posted a "helpful" article about places to buy inexpensive, student friendly furniture in New York City. First on the list? Urban Outfitters. Ignoring for the moment that Urban Outfitters is not what I would describe as inexpensive, my brain exploded a little bit. I want to be clear that I don't blame my future friend for posting this article. Urban Outfitters was only one of many stores mentioned therein and many of the students entering school with me are international. There is no reason for them to know about the hypocritical political leanings of American companies. To be fair, I don't know for certain that they would object even if they did. I would LOVE if some of my future classmates were conservative, it would take some of the pressure off me not being a hippie, but I suspect that's largely not the case. I began composing a diatribe explaining why SIPA students should think twice before shopping at Urban Outfitters...and then immediately deleted it because I don't want to be that girl. Besides, I have a blog for that.

Far be it for me to tell you not to shop in chain stores based on political contributions. In the last 48 hours I have been to Target, Sears and Radio Shack. For the sake of convenience or staying within a budget, it's almost unavoidable. Furthermore, I don't blame CEOs for donating to Republican candidates. How often have we derisively accused Republicans of being pro-big business? As long as we're agreeing that money is free speech, it would be almost irresponsible of CEOs (regardless of their personal political leanings) not to try to secure the election of candidates whose policies would be favorable to business interests.

However, if there are two groups of people without whom my life would be markedly better it's hipsters and Republicans, and so of all corporations Urban Outfitters in particular incurs my wrath. There is something almost Dr.Claw malevolent about a company that sells t-shirts saying "I survived The Bush Administration" and "Obama for Yo Mama" and markets itself to a young, often gay, even more often liberal demographic, while its President donates thousands of dollars to right wing candidates. I am by no means a conspiracy theorist, but I can just imagine Urban Outfitters founder and president, Richard Hayne, watching droves of institution hating 22-30 year olds lining up to shop at his overpriced thrift stores. "Haha," he cackles "they're playing right into my evil plan!"

An excellent 2003 article from the Philadelphia Weekly sums it up nicely. "Despite its slacker aura and carefully calibrated antiestablishmentarian cachet, Urban Outfitters Inc. is in fact a very Establishment, hypercapitalist multinational retail concern...But the difference between stage-crafted storefront image and corporate reality doesn't end there. While the typical Urban Outfitters shopper is likely to be liberal-minded...Hayne himself is an ardent Republican. He is a financial supporter of arch conservative Sen. Rick Santorum, whose recent comments about homosexuals equated gay sex with incest and bestiality." The article also depicts Hayne's journey from genuinely liberal beginnings to seemingly conflicted Republican.

Liberal t-shirts and conservative donations not withstanding, Hayne claims that Urban Outfitters, which by the way also owns Anthropologie, is apolitical. "As a company, we don’t contribute to any cause except non-controversial things like a breast cancer walk. I don’t know anyone who is for breast cancer...our job as a business is not to promote a political agenda. That's not what we do. There are all kinds of political views held by my employees. Some would be horrified to learn that we contributed to Santorum's campaign, and others would be fine with it. We openly discuss and joke about our political differences." To me this is almost worse. He's not making political donations because it's in the interest of his stock holders, he just really wanted to see Rick Santorum's homophobic face in office. Though the distinction is certainly worth making, at the end of the day, money you spend at UO is eventually making its way to Republican coffers.

Still Hayne is not totally at fault for the success of his hypocrisy. Democratic and Republican alike, people will do what they can get away with. I blame the hipsters and liberals who still shop at Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie. As I said before, I do knowingly shop at stores owned and operated by high rolling Republicans, but I make a conscious decision when I do so. If you're going to damn the man, you should at least know when you're giving him money. I don't think its too much to ask that people who actively purchase politically themed tshirts be as informed as Miley Cyrus.