There's been all this talk about vaginas voting and it's made me really angry but since I hate talking about who other groups should or shouldn't/will or won't vote for I thought we should go right to the source. Ladies and gentlemen, Campaignsickles, here agreeing to appear in her first public interview...my Vagina!
Me: Hello! Thank you for joining me today!
Vagina: Well, I didn’t really have much of a choice. I kinda go where you go, you know?
Me: Ha! Fair. So speaking of choices can you tell us a little about why you’re here today?
Vagina: Yes. First let me say I’m here on behalf of your entire downstairs/reproductive system. There have been a lot of people saying oh “women shouldn’t be voting with their vaginas” or “you can’t choose a candidate just because she has a uterus” but no one has actually asked ME who I’m voting for. It’s insulting.
Me: I get that. For me there’s all this reporting on who young women (and frankly a lot of other marginalized groups) “should” be voting for and why but it seems to me that discussion should be led by and for young women. Instead a lot of it seems to be happening about us, telling us what to value and how we feel.
Vagina: Exactly. Also, no offense Nancy but I don’t like when people confuse the two of us. You’re a woman. I’m a vagina. There’s a difference.
Me: Of course. Say more on that.
Vagina: Well first of all, I know this is getting kind of technical but not all women have vaginas and not all vagina-having people identify as women.
Me: You’re talking about the trans* community.
Vagina: Yes. Equating women with their genitalia/reproductive system just feeds into an anti-woman, anti-trans* narrative that no Democrat should contribute to.
Me: So a vagina is not what makes a woman?
Vagina: I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m very good, but I can’t do it alone. You have an entire body including a mind and a heart and those are what you use to decide whom to vote for. As for the physical aspect of voting, I’d imagine that is mostly your hands. Unless they brought those levers back.
Me: You wish. So we know I won’t be using you to vote. Are you planning on voting?
Vagina: Yes, I plan to. It’s very difficult. If there’s one thing state legislatures like to regulate more than who can vote it’s well…me. Whether it’s ID or IUD people want to make it hard for me to make my own decisions. In that respect, I am very lucky that we live in DC.
Me: Wait so….if you can vote how does that work?
Vagina: It’s a caucus process, lots of county meetings and puns involved. We elect delegates and then they elect a delegate to send to the convention. It’s best for you not think about it.
Me: No but like….
Vagina: Shhhhh…. You’ll never even know I’m gone.
Me: Okay… setting that aside for my own sanity. Here’s the million-tampon question: Whom are you voting for?
Vagina: Dun da dun…. HILLARY CLINTON!
Me: Oh thank God. I really hate it when you are mad at me.
Vagina: Yeah no kidding. Remember that time in college whe…
Me: Yes I remember. I thought we agreed not talk about it.
Vagina: Okay, I’m just saying. Eat more yogurt.
Me: Great. So why are you supporting Hillary?
Vagina: Well first of all I’m excited to finally vote for a candidate I can relate to. Who would have thought there’d be a vagina at the top of the ticket in my lifetime?
Me: So you’re saying you ARE voting for her because she has a vagina?
Vagina: No, I’m saying she IS a vagina. Hillary is guarded because needs to be but among those who take the time, she is known for her warmth. Throughout her lifetime she has held a diverse set of important jobs. People, especially those who don’t know what they’re doing, can be intimidated by her but she generates a huge amount of loyalty and affection. Most of all she is incredibly strong. She can take a lot. No matter what obstacles she comes up against she can always push through and no matter what you never see her get bent out of shape. If that’s not a vagina, what is?
Me: Wow. I don’t know what to say. I guess I never thought about it like that. That’s kind of poetic.
Vagina: Thank you.
Me: So are those your only reasons?
Vagina: No! It is really rude to imply that because I care about Hillary being a vagina I can’t like her for other reasons.
Me: Ohhhh because that’s almost like saying a vagina can’t have other qualities besides being a vagina.
Vagina: Exactly. First of all Hillary was the first candidate to come out in favor of the ending the Hyde Amendment; That alone is historic and huge. She has also been endorsed by NARAL and Planned Parenthood because she has been an active champion of women’s health and reproductive rights which...kind of a big issue for me. I also agree with Paul Krugman that she has the best plan to continue Obama’s legacy and keep the economy working for us. I want you to be able to buy the nice toilet paper.
Me: Wow is that all?
Vagina: No. I’m someone who understands the importance of working together even with people who are not like you and Hillary has proven she can build consensus and move our country in the right direction. There’s also her proposal on ending Alzheimer’s, her strong stance against gun violence, her foreign policy experience… shall I go on?
Me: I think I get your point. Hillary is the most qualified candidate. You like her policy positions. You trust her to get things done and you are also excited that she is a woman.
Vagina: Vagina.
Me: Vagina, excuse me. Is there anything else you want my readers to know?
Vagina: Yes. Everyone should get informed and participate because that’s what makes our democracy great. Also, stop telling others that their reasons for voting are dumb or wrong. No single candidate or campaign has a monopoly on truth and there is nothing wrong with wanting to see yourself represented by your representatives.
Me: Wise words. Well thank you for speaking to us. I know this your first public appearance in years.
Vagina: Pubic appearance.
Me: You really like word play don’t you?
Vagina: I am
your vagina. Hey Nancy, hey Nancy do you know what GOTV stands for?
Me: Please don’t.
Vagina: GET OUT THE VAGINAS!!!!!
Me: And we’re done here. Thanks for reading! Say goodnight, Vagina.
Vagina: Goodnight, Vagina!
